Stupid Cupid
by Harmonic Friction
Summary: It is Valentine's Day and Malfoy won't stop harassing Hermione for a kiss! When his juvenile Valentine pranks go from obnoxious to absurd and it all comes to a crescendo, it is Hermione herself who has the last laugh. (GoF. Fluff. Pretty canon-compliant. DM/HG. One-shot.)


Warning: Excessive fluff and cuteness. (I know, from _me? _It's been awhile.)

A/N: _This fic was written for the Hermione to my Draco. Happy Valentine's day, Tobiume. Dating you is awesome.  
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><p>Stupid Cupid<p>

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><p>..<p>

Breakfast

..

"Great," grumbled Ron Weasley, shoveling heart-shaped pancakes onto his plate and glowering. "It really is _that _day, isn't it. Blech."

Harry Potter looked at his best friend's heaping plate of food and then to his right, where Ginny Weasley was staring at him in what could be termed a hopeful fashion. "Er. What day are you speaking of, Ron?" he asked worriedly.

"Valentine's Day," muttered Hermione Granger from behind her copy of _100 MORE Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them. _"Silliest so-called holiday of the year—"

"I don't think it's too terribly silly," Ginny commented instantly, going red. "Of course, if someone gave me a Valentine, it'd be even better—"

"It's _not _a holiday, Hermione. It's terrible! And don't even start!" Ron exclaimed in his sister's direction, stabbing a sausage as though he was murdering it. "You're too young for all that, and besides, who would want to send you a Valentine?"

Ginny's flush became a furious crimson. "Oh right, because you're _swimming _in girls, right, Ron? Maybe you can ask Fleur to be your girlfriend. Maybe second time's the charm—"

Harry laughed and Ron socked him in the arm. "Harry, you're supposed to be on MY side, remember? Solidarity in loneliness. Or something."

"That sounds splendid, Ron. Thanks," Harry grumbled, massaging where he'd been struck.

"I'm serious, Harry! It doesn't look _as _pathetic for blokes. It's the girls who have to worry about looking stupid today—"

"Ron, your logic is horrid," Ginny snapped acidly.

"Still, I hate this day!" Ron went on, ignoring her. "I mean—look over there! Just look! Diggory's got about seven boxes of chocolate! Bet you he gives 'em away, too!" Ron lamented, obviously convinced he'd be a much better recipient of candy.

Harry bristled at bit. "We can't all be like Diggory—"

"I don't care for Diggory, really! He's not my taste." Ginny put in quickly. Harry became very occupied with the task of putting jam on his toast.

"Pretty boy git," Ron muttered. "And look! Davies is being swarmed by cupids!"

"Can't say I envy _him_ a bit," Harry shrugged. "You really want all that, Ron?"

"No!" Ron very nearly shouted. "But the women around here should really lower their standards!"

"Don't think you could handle all that action, Ron," Ginny joked, pinching his ear.

"This is exactly why I don't approve of Valentine's Day. It just makes people feel bad," Hermione interrupted matter-of-factly, looking up from her book.

"Who are _you _to complain?" choked Ron. "Icky Vicky sent you a card—"

-"I'm not complaining. I'm stating a fact. And _Viktor_ sent me that as a friend, Ron," Hermione said in a terse tone, once more putting _Magical Beasts _in front of her face. "Can you please pass the sausages? That is, if you're finished stabbing all of them—"

Above Harry's head, someone very loudly cleared his throat. Ron, Ginny, and Harry looked up and instantly turned back to the table, averting their eyes.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" asked Ron in a weak voice, tapping a pancake with his fork.

"Nothing from you, Weasley. Stay out of my business," drawled Draco Malfoy in his unmistakable loud voice. "Mudblood. Mudblood. _Granger_!"

Hermione slowly looked up from her book. "Yes, Malfoy?" she asked crisply. She glanced at the blond boy for half a second and then served herself some sausage.

"Granger, happy Valentine's Day," Malfoy smirked and waggled his eyebrows. "Give us a Valentine's Day snog, would you?"

Ron let out a muffled cry into his pancakes. Harry's eyes grew wider than normal. Ginny squeaked.

But Hermione merely rolled her eyes. "No thank you," she said. "Ron, can you please pass me that pot of tea?"

Malfoy lingered. "Come on, Granger. I saw you snog Krum after the Yule Ball. So, why not me? Let's see if the Mudblood's a fair kisser!"

"Get stuffed, Malfoy! I swear, I'm going to curse you to pieces!" Ron yelled, rising out of his chair. Professor Snape stood up at the teacher's table with a stern look on his sallow face and Harry tugged Ron's sleeve, forcing him to sit.

"Leave her alone," Harry said quietly.

"I only asked a question!" Malfoy mock-whined. "Come on, Granger! Kiss me! Kiss me!" He laughed uproariously. At the Slytherin table, Malfoy's friends were also dying with laughter, obviously in on the spectacle he was trying to make.

Ron grabbed for his wand. Harry glared while at the same time wrestling Ron's wand away from him. Ginny crossed her arms and stared Malfoy down.

But Hermione simply flung back her hair and shrugged. "I kissed Viktor because we were on a date. And I don't want to kiss you. It's simple, really. Get it?"

Malfoy blinked a few times and plastered a sneer back on his face. "Bet you're a crap kisser anyway, Mudblood," he said. With that, he strode back to the Slytherin table.

"He's just trying to get a rise out of you," Ron said. "He'd never really do it, bet he wants to test it out and see if you'd actually snog him—"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, Hermione, and if he does it again, we can report him—"

"He's entirely foul!" Ginny put in.

But Hermione was already lost behind her book again, completely unperturbed.

..

Over at the Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy was staring at Granger with a vexed expression.

"_Funny_, Draco!" screamed Pansy, touching his shoulder.

He shrugged her off. "I know," he said, and smirked. "Just wait 'til Charms."

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><p>..<p>

Charms

..

Ron was still rambling about Malfoy's behavior and Hermione had to keep telling him to let it go. Hermione knew that Malfoy wanted a reaction. And as was her normal way of dealing with his antics, she just was not going to give him one.

It wasn't that she didn't notice him blowing her kisses from across the Charms classroom.

It wasn't that she didn't see he'd written "I LOVE YOU, MUDBLOOD GRANGER" on the chalkboard before Flitwick had a chance to see it, complete with a doodle that she expected was supposed to represent her face (though the hair was made of hissing snakes and the teeth looked like they belonged to a beaver).

It wasn't that she didn't feel the rolled up piece of parchment that Malfoy chucked at her head or hear Pansy Parkinson's shrill bout of laughter.

She noticed _all _ of those things but she chose not to respond to them. Instead she raised her hand for every question, read segments from the textbook when Professor Flitwick needed a volunteer, and charmed her three candles to ignite with blue, purple and black flames respectively.

…

Across the classroom, Draco Malfoy could not focus on his textbook. When Flitwick asked him a very easy question, he simpered and stretched out, calling the class stupid instead of admitting he'd forgotten the answer. And the flames on his candles ignited a deep fuchsia no matter how hard he focused. So far, the only people who'd really noticed his Valentine's prank were Granger's friends and Pansy. The Mudblood didn't even make eye contact with him! He smirked, but he was internally frustrated. How _dare _she.

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><p>..<p>

Potions

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"Really, that was all completely hideous of him," Ron ranted into Hermione's ear. "If I were you, I'd be throwing up. I don't care if the arse is taking the mickey! It's still disgusting and wrong. I can smash in his pointy nose later if you want—"

"Shh, Ron, he's looking this way. Would you please let it go?" Hermione asked calmly, dropping her perfectly chopped toadstools into her bubbling cauldron.

"Yes, Ron. It's almost as if you're jealous he's not asking _you _for a snog," muttered Harry with a small grin. Ron tossed his newt eyes at Harry. Harry flicked his unicorn horn dust into Ron's cauldron. Professor Snape swooped over to lecture them about the expense of ingredients. Hermione sighed at her friends' immature behavior and continued working on her potion.

Malfoy sauntered around Ron and Harry's work station, fixing Snape with a smile. "I need to ask Granger a question, please, Professor," he said genially.

"Go on, Malfoy." Snape turned back to the two Gryffindor boys to take away more points.

"What's your question? Let me guess," said Hermione dully, stirring her potion.

"Could I borrow your paring knife? Goyle just broke mine," Malfoy said gravely.

Hermione turned around and handed Malfoy the knife, locking eyes with him for less than a second. But it was enough time for Malfoy to sneer at her and run his tongue over his lips. It _almost _made Hermione's cheeks burn to see him do that, but not quite. Instead, she raised her eyebrows at him and fixed him with a look of disapproval.

"Could I also borrow a snog?" he asked quickly.

"I-I don't have one to spare," shrugged Hermione and turned back to her cauldron. She was pleased with that retort, but Malfoy did not leave. She could feel him lingering behind her but she resisted the urge to tell him off.

Parkinson called out from her workstation: "_Draco!_ I need you back over here! I simply _can't_ figure out this instruction!"

"Right. I didn't really need this. You can have it back," Malfoy said darkly. But he kept holding the knife and he kept lingering.

Hermione stayed focused on her potion. "You can put it on the desk, thank you."

Malfoy tossed the knife on the table and stomped away.

Professor Snape let out an exasperated sigh. "Mr. Malfoy, I'd caution you to refrain from pitching knives about. You were top of Slytherin in first year Potions—I expect you still remember that very simple rule? Unless of course you were trying to stab Miss Granger, in which case we would need to have a much more serious conversation—"

"I—ugh. Sorry, Professor. I wasn't trying to do _anything_," Malfoy muttered in a gloomy voice. He frowned.

"I'm quite alright," Hermione offered brightly, her head bent over her potion. "No harm done." Her face held no expression.

…

Back at his workstation, Malfoy was seething. "Who does she think she is?" he whispered in Pansy's ear. "She almost got me in trouble! I didn't even throw that knife! I placed it on the table! Jumped up Mudblood!"

"I _know, Draco,_" Pansy whispered back testily. She seemed annoyed but he wasn't sure why. "So, what are your plans for today? Doing anything… special later?"

"Same as every dull day at this school," Malfoy moped. "Expect I'll be studying for the test tomorrow in Charms and drowning in my own tears of boredom."

Interestingly, at that moment Pansy herself burst into tears and ran from the classroom. Malfoy made a face and shrugged. "What's her problem?" he asked Crabbe, and then continued to glare narrow-eyed at the back of Granger's head.

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><p>..<p>

Lunch

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"All that homework and it's a bloody holiday!" Ron complained, dumping his Potions textbook and notes onto the dining room table in a messy heap.

"No homework on Valentine's Day? Don't be ridiculous, Ron," chided Hermione, pouring gravy over her Shepard's pie. "Besides, you said it _wasn't _a holiday." She picked up her notes from Potions and began to flip through them.

"Well, if everyone else says it's a holiday, we shouldn't have so much sodding Potions homework," grumbled Ron. "Bet you Snape didn't get a Valentine and that's why he's touchy—"

Fred and George Weasley popped up on either side of their brother. "Didn't know you and old Snape had so much in common!" said George.

"Honestly, Ron, if you actually put some effort in and sent _out _a Valentine, you might have a date. That's how George and I became such lady-killers!" Fred grinned.

Ron, Fred and George started arguing loudly, leaving Harry and Hermione to shrug and smile at each other and finish their food.

"Hello, Granger," smirked Malfoy moments later, flopping into the open seat next to Hermione.

"Not again," Harry mumbled. "Malfoy, shove off!"

"Oy, what's this little bugger doing?" Fred declared. "Out, parasite! Out! Go back from whence you came!"

George scratched his chin. "How's the little bloke going to get back to limbo, Fred? He's not old enough to Apparate—"

"I SWEAR, MALFOY!" screamed Ron, shaking his fork.

"None of you dunderheads are named Granger, are you?" Malfoy asked snidely. "That's right! I wasn't addressing you! Granger! How about that kiss, eh? Come on!"

"How about that _what?" _ Fred said, horrified. "You little dickens—"

Hermione very slowly placed her Potions notes on the table and turned to face Malfoy. "Be quiet, Malfoy," she said. "Now if you'll all excuse me." She rose from the table and walked away, half-certain Malfoy would follow her but he did not. A careful, quick glance behind her made it clear that he'd retreated back to the Slytherin table. She speed-walked until she got to the girls' lavatory. Once there, she rushed to the sink, splashing water on her face. When she turned off the water, she heard loud sobs coming from the largest stall.

"He—he—he—hasn't said _anything. _But he _knows _it's Valentine's Day, he's been _pranking _Granger _all _day_," _cried a shrill voice. Hermione prickled, realizing the voice belonged to Parkinson. Hermione did not usually eavesdrop but she was interested in this. Parkinson didn't generally cry. Parkinson generally made other people cry.

Next came a second voice from within the stall, a voice that Hermione attributed to Daphne Greengrass. "There, there—you know Malfoy. He's a class clown. He'll surely give you a Valentine later today! Bet he's got a bouquet of roses he's going to give you tonight! Now you should come have some lunch or else the boys are going to talk-"

"You—you—you _think so?" _ choked out Parkinson between sobs. "You think he'll give me a present?"

"I can't imagine why not," Daphne said. "He asked you to the Yule Ball, didn't he?"

Pansy let out an almighty wail. "But…but…he _didn't_ ask _me. _I asked _him!"_

"Oh," said Daphne and she no longer sounded hopeful, "well, that doesn't matter, does it? He asked you to be his Potions partner. He obviously fancies you! He just doesn't know how to show it!" Hermione had to hand it to Daphne: she was a better liar than Hermione could ever be.

"You're right!" Pansy declared, and blew her nose so alarmingly loudly that Hermione jumped. "I hope it's a really _big _bouquet of roses!"

Hermione snorted and rushed out of the loo before the Slytherin girls had a chance to leave the stall. Imagine, crying over Draco Malfoy of all people!

…

At the Slytherin table, Malfoy scowled around the Great Hall at all of the heart-shaped decorations and foods. Headmaster Dumbledore was even donning pink robes. Malfoy decided right then and there he was going to write post to his father and they could share a good laugh about that. But the thought of writing post home just made him even more annoyed as he hadn't received anything but a box of candies from his own _mother. _Of course, he'd hidden them straight away and jinxed "_Love, Mother" _off the box, then dumped them in the nearest waste bin. No one could ever know. Honestly, what was his mother thinking? Parents didn't understand anything!

What was with him not receiving any mail from girls? Wasn't that what this day was about? At least Blaise got a card from Tracey, even though they were just friends! Daphne and Theo had HELD HANDS while walking to lunch. And Terrance had a girlfriend, and they had plans for a REAL LIVE DATE. And Diggory and Davies were swamped with Valentines—not to mention they had VERY good-looking girlfriends! Malfoy was just as good as all of them. _No, _he thought, _better!_ It was highly unfair. He crossed his arms and looked off into the distance sulkily. It would be a much better day if a girl fancied him, but he wasn't going to admit that aloud. Not to his best mates. Not to anyone!

The only fun part of today was terrorizing Granger but even that was losing its appeal. She just wasn't responding the right way! And what in the blazes was wrong with Pansy? She was acting more bizarrely than usual and had been ever since the stupid Yule Ball. Malfoy abhorred his memories of the Yule Ball. After all, if he hadn't have gone, he wouldn't have seen Granger in those very becoming blue dress robes!

Malfoy cracked his knuckles. If he was going to agitate Granger, he'd have to try loads harder. He sneered, ready for the challenge.

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><p>…<p>

Care of Magical Creatures

…

"So, are you and Viktor going out tonight? Ooh, it's so exciting you have a proper boyfriend! Where's he taking you? What are you wearing? Please, please, please tell me you're going to wear something cuter than what you've got on now—no offence but yeah, what are you wearing? And where are you going? Did I ask that already?" asked Lavender Brown in one breath.

Hermione exhaled slowly, feeling a headache coming on. "Lavender, I'm not dating Viktor—we're just friends—"

"Oh, like we believe that rubbish!" said Parvati, squealing as a blast-ended skrewt snapped at the toe of her rubber boot. "Come on, Hermione—spill!"

"Viktor asked me to be his girlfriend but it's somewhat impractical. I'm much too busy. We're only friends!" Hermione finished and gasped, flinging a skrewt off the leg of her trousers.

"Hermione," Lavender said in a serious voice, "there is something completely wrong with you. Krum is dishy! He's not a boy. He's a man!"

"Oh, how precious!" called out Malfoy, his boots crunching on the frosty grass as he joined the group of Gryffindor girls. Hermione groaned. "So, Granger, are you going to snog off Krum's face tonight?" He made a disgusting noise that reminded Hermione of Buckbeak being fed rodents.

"No, Malfoy," said Lavender, a look of utter revulsion on her round face. "Didn't you just hear her? She's not dating Krum! They're just friends-"

"Lavender, stop," said Hermione out of the corner of her mouth. "Don't encourage him—"

"Not dating Krum?" yelled Malfoy with a wide sneer. "What a surprise!"

"Krum asked her out," Lavender told him at once. Hermione blushed and sighed. "But she says she's far too busy and she told him they should just be friends—"

Malfoy broke out laughing. "Too busy? Busy doing what? Being a know-it-all?"

"Now, Malfoy, get on with ye," Hagrid urged, and Hermione could tell by the expression on his usually kind face that, like her, he'd had about enough of Draco for one day. "Yer group ain't this 'un, and you know it. Get on!"

"Could you please repeat that? I can't understand your lovely accent," said Malfoy with a large degree of artificial sweetness in his tone.

Hagrid looked a bit unraveled. "Now—Malfoy— I'ma have to start takin' points next. Leave these girls alone—"

"Okay, _Pro-fess-or. _ See you later, Granger. I'll be waiting!" Malfoy wrapped his arms around his own shoulders, turned around, and made loud kissing noises: "_Mmmmmmfffmmmm_!"

Lavender made a face. "Yuck! Is that how you actually kiss? You need practise."

Hermione laughed quietly. Malfoy turned pink and instantly stopped making noises. He slunk off to re-join Zabini and Goyle, who were currently trying to put out a small fire.

"Five points to Gryffindor fer Miss Brown," muttered Hagrid with a sly wink. "Making Malfoy be quiet? That's a special talent, that is."

"Well, I'm just telling the truth, Professor," said Lavender loudly with her hand on her hip.

Hermione gritted her teeth and threw a glance toward Malfoy, whose face was still looking a bit rosy.

"Are you okay, Hermione?" asked Hagrid softly. "Not bothering you too much, is he? He's all talk, ye know. But I could—"

"I'm fine," she nodded. "It's really no big deal." And she meant it.

…

'_Really no big deal?' _thought Malfoy furiously.

"Draco, want to lend a hand here?" Blaise snapped, trying to find the right charm to repair his singed trousers.

'_Really no big deal!?' _ Malfoy thought again, and kicked the fence outside Hagrid's hut. He winced at the pain, feeling angrier. He hated Lavender Brown and her big mouth! Of course he didn't kiss like that! _Well, _he fumed, _when I ever kiss a girl it certainly won't be like that, that was a joke!_

"Draco!" Blaise bellowed, as a skrewt had once again set him in flames. "Do something!"

"Blaise, it's not like your knickers are on fire or anything."

The Slytherins chortled.

"Is this why your name is…_Blaze_?" Malfoy went on and lazily swaggered over to help. The group of Slytherins, sans Blaise, burst out laughing, Pansy loudest of all. It seemed whatever problem she'd had earlier had been remedied, to Malfoy's relief. _At least SHE gets my humour! It's too bad Granger isn't a bit savvier when it comes to comedic value!_

Once he'd salvaged Blaise's trousers, Malfoy looked back at the Gryffindor girls. Granger instantly looked away. Feeling a small amount of triumph, Malfoy grinned.

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><p>..<p>

Divinations

..

"Hello," Malfoy greeted in a fake cheerful way, sidling into the half-empty classroom. "Can you pass on a message for me?"

Ron and Harry looked up from their crystal balls. Ron made a fist. "Malfoy, I swear to Godric—"

"I'll be quite quick, Weasley. Don't worry your ginger head. Can you ask Granger to get ready for the snog of her life? I mean, this snog will be better than Krum, far better," Malfoy announced in a piercing voice.

"No, Malfoy," Harry declared. "And that's final! Get out of here!"

"Go make out with your hand if you're so bloody desperate!" Ron snarled.

Malfoy paused and looked into Harry's crystal ball. "Ooh. That's grand. I see something—something very exciting in there… I see… I see…" He paused dramatically. "I see myself snogging Mudblood Granger! I see her becoming obsessed with me! I see myself breaking her heart!"

"THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!" Ron shouted, pounding his fist on the table. "I'M GOING TO WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE—" He jumped up with a hand raised.

Malfoy's eyes widened and he stepped back, but Harry grabbed Ron around the shoulders and sat him back down again.

"Temper, temper!" Malfoy said joyfully and scampered out of the classroom.

Weasley might have been an obnoxious, Muggle-loving piece of trash but he certainly reacted hilariously!

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><p>..<p>

Ancient Runes

..

Hermione was enjoying the peace and quiet in the classroom as Professor Babbling lectured about reading Norse runes properly. The only people she knew very well in double Runes were Susan Bones, Padma Patil and Dean Thomas. By some act of a higher power they were all highly non-dramatic and quiet people. It wasn't that Hermione disliked her other classes or her more vivacious friends but Ancient Runes was a nice buffer between Hermione and the real world. It was a class where she could listen attentively, take excessive notes, raise her hand without getting poked fun at and moreover, it was absolutely silent.

Suddenly, the door sprang open and a house elf Hermione had never been formally introduced to burst through wearing a pink frock and carrying a large bouquet of red roses. "Excuse me, but I is looking for a Miss Granger, please?"

The entire class turned to stare at Hermione, who paled and lowered her head.

"These is for you, miss!" squeaked the house elf and rushed to Hermione's side, tossing the bouquet on her desk. "And there's a card, too—shall I read it?"

"No, no, thank you," Hermione said in a rushed voice. "I'll take that. Thank you so much!"

The house elf bowed ten times and ran from the classroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Er… sorry," muttered Hermione as the lesson was resumed. She very quietly opened the card and was struck too late with the horrifying thought that it might have a singing hex on it. Fortunately though, it seemed to be a plain sheet of parchment covered in poorly drawn flowers. There was a poem in the centre. At the first line, Hermione rubbed her temples and sighed.

'_Muggle-born Granger, your looks are the tops_

_I especially like your hair, it reminds me of a mop!_

_But I miss your old teeth, they were your best feature_

_You were cuter when you looked like a woodland creature! _

_You'll have to pardon me for I digress_

_there's simply too many things about you I like best_

_Anyway I'll be waiting for you at the seven o'clock hour _

_Out in the courtyard underneath the clock tower_

_Meet me there and I'll give you what you've surely missed_

_Because Krum is a bum who cannot properly kiss_

_XOXOXOXOXOXO _

_Draco Malfoy' _

She folded up her card and slipped it into her robes. If Malfoy wanted her to meet him at the clock tower, she was going to do it and put an end to this nonsense once and for all. She had some idea what this was all about and her theory was that Malfoy wasn't going to kiss her at all. In fact he was likely not going to even show up. The trick would be to make sure she sought him out before seven so that he couldn't play it like he'd stood_ her_ up.

Honestly, his pranks were quite feeble. The poem could have been worse and the flowers were actually quite nice. What annoyed her was that he'd have a house-elf do his bidding.

* * *

><p>..<p>

Arithmancy

..

Malfoy grinned from ear to ear for the entire period, making quite a few Ravenclaws give him questioning looks. He knew that the house elf he'd paid off would have delivered his flowers by this time right in the middle of Granger's most serious class. After all, he'd heard her speak of this so many times in their other courses and he'd planned accordingly. Malfoy knew Granger's entire schedule by heart. He just wished he could see her reaction, especially when she showed up to the clock tower. Malfoy wasn't planning to be there. He was going to run from dinner to the corridor just off the entrance to the dungeon stairwell. He'd have a perfect view of the clock and he could just imagine Granger waiting there, looking stupid in the cold evening air. Then he could have a big laugh and accuse her of having a crush on him. It was going to be hysterical!

* * *

><p>..<p>

Supper

..

"You got flowers? Who gave you flowers?" Ron yelped. "Honestly, you don't even have a boyfriend and you got a card _and _flowers, what's next, a—"

"It was Malfoy's idea of a joke," Hermione cut him off. "They're very nice. Does anyone want them?"

"MALFOY GAVE YOU FLOWERS?" Ron yowled. Harry looked disgusted.

Neville looked up from his chocolate pudding. "I'll give you three Galleons for those, I will."

"You can have them for free," smiled Hermione and handed Neville the bouquet.

"Thanks!" he said brightly. "Here. Happy Valentine's Day!" he told Ginny, and passed them over.

Ginny blushed. "Oh—thank you, Neville!" she said quietly, finally peeling her eyes off Harry and giving the plump-faced boy a hug.

Harry cut into a blackberry pie. "He came into our Divinations class to give us his very own premonition. I hope you're ready for… What was it, Ron? Oh yes. The best snog of your life."

"Yeah, he won't give up, Hermione," Ron said through a mouth of trifle. "Usually he burns out after about an hour of the same joke but he's very adamant about this snogging thing—"

"You think he fancies you, Hermione?" Neville asked in a terrified voice.

"He doesn't _fancy _her," Ron scoffed, but he immediately sent a glare in the direction of the Slytherin table, "he's just being rotten."

Hermione piled chocolate sauce on top of her caramel ice cream. "He wants me to meet him after supper and I'm going to teach him a lesson."

Ron looked excited. "It'd be so cool if you dueled him! Can you imagine, Harry? After everything, Hermione gets expelled for _dueling _Malfoy!? Can I be your second, Hermione?"

"I'm not going to duel him. I wouldn't risk my school career," said Hermione crisply. "And I'm going to deal with this on my own, but thank you."

Colin Creevey reached over Ron to grab a pumpkin pasty. "I hate this day. Too many people making out. Yuck!"

"Y'know, mate, this is the first time I agree with you whole-heartedly," Ron joked.

"You'll all feel differently once you do the spit-swapping," George declared, giving Ron a noogie. Everyone chuckled as Ron tried to shove him off.

Hermione checked her watch. It was a quarter past six. She looked over to the Slytherin dining table where Malfoy was sitting with his usual group. He was _also _checking his watch. Just as Hermione had predicted, he quickly got up and walked toward the exit of the Great Hall. She grabbed her book bag and slipped away from her table as Fred and George were distracting everyone by singing loudly.

She followed Malfoy's trail out of the Hall. He was a good twenty meters ahead but she walked fast enough to keep up. Malfoy turned right at the end of the hallway and hesitated by the front entrance. _Also _just as Hermione predicted, he instead took a left and jogged in the direction of the Slytherin dungeons.

"No you don't," Hermione said loudly and clearly.

Malfoy stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. "Evening, Granger," he smirked, but she could see the flash of ambiguity in his grey eyes. "Did you like the poem?"

"I loved it," she replied.

"Oh," Malfoy said, and Hermione was happy to hear his voice go up an octave.

She crossed her arms as she headed toward him. "You told me we were going to meet but it seems you might be chickening out. Unless you forgot something in your dorm room that you needed."

"No!" Malfoy said quickly after clearing his throat. "I've _got _everything I need. I was actually thinking _you _weren't going to meet _me. _So I was saving myself the trouble. Clock tower, Granger?" he asked and wiggled his brows.

"Yes, let's go," she said. "You can lead the way."

Malfoy swallowed hard but complied. Behind him, Hermione wore a thin smile.

…

_Do it and laugh at her, _Malfoy urged himself as he walked toward the front entrance of the school. He could hear Granger's footsteps behind him. _Do it as fast as you can and make a run for it! Don't talk, that much is obvious. If you talk you'll look like a duffer. Kiss her and run away._

* * *

><p>..<p>

The Clock Tower

..

Malfoy sneered at Hermione and leaned against the stone base of the clock, narrowing his eyes. "Let's do this, Granger," he said. "I know you've been waiting."

"Okay," said Hermione straightforwardly. "Let's do it."

Malfoy looked puzzled. "Really?" he said, and Hermione liked the look of absolute disorientation on his thin face.

She had to work very hard not to laugh, for her theory had already been proven right. "Yes," she said. "I'm waiting, Malfoy. I'm waiting for the best snog of my entire life."

He was without words for a moment but then he laughed sardonically. "You stupid Mudblood. Do you _fancy _me?" he said in a callous tone. But she was expecting this reaction as well and she simply shook her head.

"No," she replied, "but I want to see you come through on your promise. After all, you've been talking yourself up all day long."

"If I kiss you," he began slowly whilst picking off a bit of leaf from his cloak, "you're just going to tell on me. You'll rat me out. It's not worth it. It was a prank, Granger. I wouldn't touch you if someone paid me. I wouldn't touch you if my life depended on it."

Of course, this was the response Hermione was most expecting and she made herself look as sincere as possible. "I'm not going to tell. Kiss me, Malfoy."

He looked her straight in the face and laughed but it wasn't his usual cruel-hearted laughter. It was a laugh riddled with breathy anxiety and falseness. "Right," he said, and he appeared to be internally fighting with himself over something. "Right."

"If you're not going to kiss me, I'm going to kiss you," Hermione said, and she paused for a good ten seconds to give him time to get out of there. After all, she wanted to give him a chance if that was his choice. But just as she'd suspected, he stayed rooted to the spot.

"You wouldn't dare," he said with a smirk, but his eyes were wide.

Wordlessly, Hermione strode forward and leant into Malfoy. She put her hands around his neck and pushed her lips against his. He was much shorter than Krum and so she didn't have to stand on tiptoe. At first, he didn't do anything with his lips and she could tell, without even looking, that his eyes were still open. His lips were cool and dry. He smelled like black licorice and spearmint. He tasted like Earl Grey tea.

She figured her lesson was done until Malfoy fumbled his hands around, holding her by the waist. He kissed her deeper and sighed into her mouth. Hermione made a muffled sound of surprise but found herself putting her hands in his hair, which was very silky.

…

Malfoy was both incredibly mystified and incredibly jubilant. After all, he was finally kissing a girl for the first time but the girl in question was Bossy-Boots Granger of the Mudblood Order. For as loud and blabbery as her voice could be, he was surprised how delicate she felt in his arms. Her lips were soft and a bit squishy, though not in an unpleasant way. Her mass of curls smelled fantastic up close. She tasted like caramel and ink and when he kissed her deeper, she seemed to enjoy it. He continued kissing her until she broke it off.

He had meant to break it off himself. He wanted to stop kissing her and laugh at her instead! Now it looked like he'd actually _enjoyed _it. This propelled him back into reality but he had no idea what to say. _Told you I was great? No… she kissed me first. Thanks for the snog? No, too positive. Told you that you'd want to kiss me? No… too awkward. Not too bad, Granger. Also too optimistic. _He needed something punchy, something rude, something—

He realized he was gaping at her, and she gave a soft chuckle. His ears burned even though he could tell she wasn't laughing _at _him, not exactly.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Malfoy," she said. With that, Granger headed back toward the castle, leaving him leaning against the wall as if any movement might make the clock tower fall over.

Malfoy touched his lips tentatively with two fingers. His mouth still felt wet from the kiss. He stayed there speechless for nearly ten minutes before breaking into a run back to his common room.

* * *

><p>..<p>

Slytherin Dormitory

..

He had his Potions and Charms homework next to him but he wasn't actually working on it. His mind had completely been turned on its side from the kiss, his first kiss!

He glared, remembering.

That _kiss. _With _Granger_.

That awful Mudblood! That crazy-haired, frigid, goody-goody! He'd been by the fireplace, transfixed with thoughts of snogging Granger, for the past two hours. Across the common room, the girls in his year were sending him terrible looks but he was not paying them much attention. Pansy had been crying again and when he'd commented on her blotchy face just seconds ago as she'd walked by him, she'd burst anew into tears and raced down to the dormitories. This was the strangest day he'd had in his life! He'd given up and gone to bed but now all he could do was gaze up at his canopy, fuming with horror and disgust.

She wasn't supposed to actually snog him! He was supposed to make her angry, or better, make her cry. But instead, here he was with his insides all twisted as if she'd made balloon animals of his intestines. Horrid, terrible, Muggle-born Grungy-Granger! And the worst part was, he'd _liked _it. It had felt fantastic. Stupid, obnoxious bushy-haired Mudblood! He wondered if he could snog her again. Ugh, that disgusting, ugly Hermione Granger! He touched his lips again and inadvertently smiled.

Luckily, he didn't _fancy _her. He just wanted to kiss her and hold her again as soon as possible. He spent the next hour devising a plan.

* * *

><p>..<p>

Gryffindor Dormitory

..

"What are you smiling about?" Lavender pressed loudly, "honestly, if you secretly went out with Krum you just have to tell us! I can't believe you, Hermione, keeping a secret like that! Was he a gentleman? Did he pay for you? Did he take you in his arms and ruggedly snog you? Obviously he did, look at that expression on your face!" She stopped to draw a breath which was enough time for Hermione to interject:

"No!" she said adamantly, shaking her curly-haired head. "I told you. We're just friends. He delivered the card this morning and that was it. He respects my choice—"

"You did something fun! Something you're not telling me!" Lavender said in a snap. "If I find out you and Krum are secretly dating, I'll just go crazy!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and flicked her wand, closing her canopy. She heard Lavender utter an "_ugh_ " of defeat. She pretended to be working on her Charms homework but was secretly glad when the other girls put their candles out. Hermione flicked her wand off and rolled over on her side, letting a small smile claim her lips again. After all, she'd bested Draco Malfoy to a degree she'd never known herself capable of. She'd wanted to do something like this for quite some time because she knew that, above all other things, it would finally shut him up.

After all, Hermione felt a bit sorry for Malfoy and she had since third year when it had been insanely obvious he was plagued by puppy love to a degree she'd never read about in any book—even the stupid preteen slop that her dorm mates prattled on and on about.

Hermione had consulted her mother and father the summer between second and third year about Malfoy's awful behavior and they'd explained to her that sometimes boys like to tease the girls that they fancy, but that it was no excuse for him to act so cruel toward her. Since then, Hermione had felt slightly superior to Malfoy. Today had been the ultimate victory. She'd felt how he moved into the kiss, how his mouth had opened willingly and how he'd wrapped his hands around her body. She'd definitely won, and she wore a smile for that very reason. She was certain Malfoy would leave her alone after this.

Of course, the kiss had also been quite…_nice_. Malfoy's face was shaved clean and soft and he was the perfect height. His lips had felt different than she had expected. But she did not want to kiss him again. It was only to teach him a lesson, after all. Hermione gave a slight chuckle in the darkness, ignoring the spark of desire that shocked her stomach.

* * *

><p>..<p>

February 15.

Potions

..

"Can you believe that git? A bloody _essay_? He's cutting into my weekend!" Ron hissed into Hermione's ear.

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to be late for the load of nothing that's on your schedule, Ron," Harry gibed, tossing a handful of crushed snake fangs into his cauldron. A huge bang erupted out of it, and it began smoking. Several students screamed.

Hermione stirred her own potion with a calm hand. The day had been pleasantly uneventful, though she'd been slightly disappointed to not see Malfoy at breakfast. So far in class, he'd been silently working with Parkinson in the back of the room like always. She had quickly put him (and the kiss) out of her mind and set to work. Professor Snape emerged from his office, a furious look on his wan face.

"Bollucks," Harry sighed.

"Bad luck," laughed Ron.

"You were supposed to add the eyes first," she said nonchalantly just as something small struck her in the back of the head.

Hermione looked around but saw no culprit, only a small wad of rolled-up parchment on the floor by her feet. She bent down and seized it, unraveling the mess of crumpled paper with a quizzical expression. When she finally got it opened, she read the message inside and stared. And stared.

'_Granger', _it began in Malfoy's unmistakable neat print, _'shall we study together later tonight? Meet me out on the Astronomy Tower at ten o'clock. Yes or No. PS: Your hair is especially crazy today. I like it.' _

Slowly she turned around to face the back of the classroom. Malfoy raised up his blond haired head and fixed her with a teasing smile. Hermione found herself giving Malfoy a nod. His eyes widened slightly but then he gave her a grin, and she was surprised to see it was extremely cheerful—completely devoid of devilish intention. Hermione's face turned a bit pink and she quickly turned back to her potion. She figured it wouldn't hurt to meet Malfoy tonight. After all, some lessons cannot be taught with only one kiss. It might take a series of lengthy make-out sessions for the message to really sink in.

* * *

><p><em>fin<em>


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